Illness

Over the last 11 years, I've been sick a lot. I don't have a diagnosable illness. I just get sick, like with a flu, a lot. Between 25-50% of the time. I've been feeling sick for almost two weeks. Today, I still feel sick.

It is very discouraging.

Since 1992, I've been working on healing myself. I was in a lot of emotional pain then and found a therapist in Toronto who worked with energy. 1995 was the year I really started to get physically ill. One day I'll write about the many many doctors, healers, books, strategies, cleanses, etc. that I've consulted or worked with to feel better. I understood early on that medical science wasn't going to be a big help. I now have an energy healer, a colon hydrotherapist, a chiropractor, a naturopath/acupuncturist, a massage therapist and a gestalt therapist. I call them my team.

I find it difficult to talk about being ill. I feel like I sound whiny. I often feel very hopeless about it and feel guilty for not being perkier. I find it hard to explain because I can't give it a label like "diabetes" that everyone understands. Lately I am coming to believe that my illness has a spiritual base but I don't know what that means exactly. To be honest, I had hoped that doing Human Body Project 44 would be a healing experience. Maybe it is, but today I still feel shitty.

I have a very real sense of myself as a transformational being. A lot of what passes for bravery in me is that I am much more uncomfortable feeling stuck than I am about, say, quitting a job or taking off my clothes. And I am slowly (so slowly; not yet clearly) understanding that energetic/spiritual transformation makes me feel sick. So what I would like to do is say to myself: hey, this is great, I'm transforming again. Rather than: wah, I'm sick. But I'm not there yet.